A prisoner of her own mind
by Miss kg
Summary: Neela figuring things out with a hint of Ray. One shot.


Things with Simon and her were becoming confused. And things with her and Ray were also just as confusing. She thought she had it figured, since Halloween and the kiss, but then when she called Ray about Thanksgiving it felt like a slap in the face. Payback, karma and fate playing games with her. She was ok with it. With him dating someone. She had no right to be jealous but she'd be lying to herself if she said she was not envious of his girlfriend.

Maybe she liked Simon because she was certainly attracted to him, and then she also knew that there was no chance of her and Ray ever happening. So she told Simon, that she may have wanted to be with him. She let go of all her pride and it felt good to finally tell someone, that she'd like to be with them. It was nice and they were together. Then when things seemed to be going well, she gets a package from her beloved friend, Ray. It just so happens to arrive in time for Valentine's Day. Simon surprises her with a romantic break for Venice but every fibre of her being is screaming out how Ray made her a CD! That in his own way after all that has gone on between the two of them, this is him saying he still wants her; maybe even loves her. She just puts on a smile, showing a face full of happiness as she hides all thoughts of Ray in a miniature box at the back of her head.

They've been in touch a lot since that CD, even though she's been with Simon. She's sure, that Ray could guess that things were not going well between her and Simon. They speak frequently but she never mentions Simon too much and Ray never asks, although he makes a joke as he tries to sense if things are ok with Neela and her so called boyfriend. They've been talking loads and she's even answered his calls when she was with Simon around.

_He's happy and chuckles, "Feels like we speak loads these days..." he pauses a moment over the phone before he blurts out, "he's going to think he's got competition." _

_It throws her off and she's not sure what to say but the words just roll off her tongue, "Why? Has he?" She feels as if Ray is constantly posing her with questions and now she wants to know what to do._

_He's not making it easy for her this time but thinks that maybe they're both screwed. "I guess but at least I'm not around, hey?," he replies quietly and thinks how stupid this is, he is for saying this. It's not like she's going to leave Simon but he needs to tell her, just like he needed and wanted to make that CD and send it out to her. He wants her to notice him, all over again but for good. _

_Neela is sure that she is having heart palpitations. She can feel her blood streaming through her veins. There, he throws her again. She inhales deeply and furrows her brows a little, "Well maybe he can't compete." _

_Things seem get complicated between the two as an awkward silence lingers on the line. Time has changed everything. It's healed the deep wounds that were created between the two of them. Sure there's a few scars but who said time was never a great healer. Now __the time has arrived and it finally feels like it could and should be their time. Many borders and boundaries have kept them apart, being married, being widowed, guilt, relationships with others and then a very unfortunate accident. _

_He tries to change the subject, " So you decided or heard from any of the Deaneries you've applied to? How about County?" _

"_It's definitely out the question. I mean like... I've told Dubenko for sure that I won't be there at the end of this residency. I have had a few acceptances, I guess I just need to have a sit and think over what I actually want." She's heard from the same Deanery where Ray currently works. She's not sure whether to tell him because she feels as if she's one big mess who needs to sort her priorities. _

_Ray's a little puzzled. He thought she'd end up dying at County. Maybe she was going through that crisis thing that she'd been through when he first started as a Resident at County. He laughs and suggests, "Well, I guess there's always Jumbo Mart." _

_She can't help but giggle back at the Fourth of July. "Hey that was a dream job. Sales is definitely my thing should medicine fail!"_

"_Well there's a few Jumbo Mart places here. You know if you wanted a job and..."_

"_I'll definitely bear that in mind when I'm deciding." _

_There are a few echoes of a knock coming from a wooden door over the phone. He's guessing it might be Simon. "Look, mmhhh, I guess I'll let you go."_

"_Yes." She's about to say go when she quickly adds, "Ray! It's nice, talking to you. You know, this much. I'll call you, tomorrow!"_

"_Great. Speak to you then"_

_She puts the receiver down and glances over at Simon as he comes in and smiles. She's in a relationship with him but none of it feels fantastically right. She respects him but things are not great between them and she knows it as well as he does. They don't talk much. The only talking she ever does is with Ray. She's guessing she's got a lot to think through and will have another sleepless night with many thoughts viciously swimming around her head. _

It's been a long day with surgical procedures, follow ups and referrals. Although she's glad to be getting out of County, she's pretty sure that she's going to an empty Chicago apartment, all alone. Not just because she lives alone, but because Abby's gone, Pratt's dead and so is Michael and she is seriously single after breaking up with Simon.

The door slams shut behind her as she steps into her apartment. She begins analysing everything she has done over the last year or so, since Ray left Chicago. She's even sure that there have been times where she's been on auto pilot mode. Becoming more career focused. She knows that that she's done well but after being with Simon, she knows she also wants to be happy and in love. She wants to be with Ray and maybe she's always wanted to be with Ray.

She feels as if she's been a prisoner in her own mind. Just going through the motions. Just going through life and trying to get by. She doesn't know what took her so long to realise that he was the one. Ray, Ray Barnett.

Maybe she always knew but somehow the timing was never right. When he was ready, she was not. She finally came to her senses and stopped running away but then he most certainly was not ready and she knew she'd be seriously lucky for some unknown reason if he'd even contemplated the thought of ever talking to her, let alone doing even more in reality.

Time has been funny. She feels like she's lost out on things and she knows that she can't waste any more time than she already has. She's going to make the choices and decisions that she knows she truly should go with and wants, but it doesn't mean that she won't talk herself out of things. So she rings Abby for reassurance and so that she will certainly post out a signed and sealed contract which was patiently waiting by her bedside.


End file.
